My life picture has always been clear. I was to weather each storm to make it happen. My life a heading set to cross some stormy weather and rough seas, but it was set and I was going to stick to it.
I was able to get out before things got really bad. I have no doubt in my mind that my life would tumble and roll like a vessel in a hurricane. I would have been demolished to nothing more than some pieces of floating driftwood.
I loved this man with every molecule in my body. Steadfast. Devoted. Loyal. Over-committed.
It was impossible for me to stay mad at him. I was letting him win each disagreement: “I know, it’s my fault, I overreacted.” “I’m sorry. I should not have questioned you.”
He never hit me. He never locked me in a room. He never shattered my phone. Never left a mark on me. But he was still abusing me. Breaking me apart. Slowly. Piece by piece.
Once. One time I told him he was domineering and manipulative. He was defensive. Hostile. Destructive. I was told I was irrational, to just wait it out. I had “to many expectations.” I was demanding and never understood.
I did have some irrational expectations of him; I expected he would treat me with respect. I excepted him to follow through on his words. I expected he would be my first-mate not my personal hurricane.
Austin: What am I supposed to do? What do you expect from me?
Respect that I have incredibly strong feelings for you.
Tell people I moved in with you for the actual reasons. Respect that I am here to start a lasting relationship with you. Maybe tell people that. Maybe act that way just a little bit. I guess you are not capable of that-- I’m your “BFF” to the rest of the world, to her. That way you can act however you want with whoever you want.
Austin: You want it all, you want it now, you’re not getting that so you left. Got it. Leave me your forwarding address. And, if you’re gone already please delete me from EVERYTHING and best of luck to you. I have no doubt you will eventually swipe right to some kind of happiness.
I am done with the lies and excuses. New course set.
He had an ex-girlfriend that pulled a “Dear John” on him. I always thought she was the crazy one. How could she do that to him? She just figured it out before I did.
“Gear Adrift,” the nautical and naval term for out of place. Any personal item not properly stowed within personal or communal spaces.
Something not in its place is dangerous and a target. It can be stolen. If found, it will be confiscated. Girl adrift. The most freeing, most terrifying realization.
How did I let this man become such a compass for me? I stopped relying on my inner navigation. I fell from my place I so desperately wanted to fit into. I was lost, but I didn’t even know I was off my path.
But I will make my own way now. He doesn’t get a say. I am drifting.
This is when I finally realized how positive being “adrift” can be. Drifting in the best way. Looking for my next course. Nothing can hold me back.